Everyday thoughts : #81
Category: Declarations
The center of my universe
I turned an age older last night. I also cried last night.
Not because I was sad. But because I was happy. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to admit my happiness out loud. What if I jinxed it? What if fate decides to take it away?
Over the years, time has seen me suffering. We all have suffered. We have all had times when darkness is more than just the absence of light – when it becomes the absence of life. You begin questioning how genuine everything around you is. Does my family think that I am a burden? Does my Mother not hug me because she doesn’t love me? Why does Dad leave the room when something gets too emotional? Why don’t I have many close friends? Why do the close friends I do have not always get me? Why am I miserable? What if that hadn’t happened? What if I hadn’t done that? What if I hadn’t met that person? Would my life have been any different?
Then something slowly changes. You never know what it is. You can’t see it. You can’t name it. But you can feel it. It seeps through you. Slowly, but fast. As it fills you and empties you, it would smooth out your rough edges, then create some rough niches of it’s own. If you are courageous enough, if you are conscious enough, you would not run away. You would accept it. Once you do that, it would create you in the same time that it destroys you. If you turn it away, or feel you are not strong enough or worth it yet, don’t fret. It always comes back. Always.
Then the answers would come flooding so gracefully that you would smack your head to realize that it was always in you.
Because the answer is just that. You.
You are a burden to your family just as much as they are to you.
Your mother does not hug you because you never told her that being hugged makes you feel loved. Because no one hugged her to tell her that she was loved. She does things for you though, working till an inch of her life. Because that is her way of loving. (You only realized it now)
Your father leaves the room because you forgot that he raised you in the hopes that nothing would hurt you ever. He hopes for it every single moment and it fills his entire existence. It always would, no matter how impractical the thought is. You forgot that if he looked in your eyes and lets you see all this, then it might scare you into not being yourself. And he would never want that. (He doesn’t leave the room these days. We cry when we think the other can’t see. Adorable texts too.)
You don’t have many close friends because you haven’t become close enough with yourself yet.
They don’t always get you because you haven’t realize that there are some things about you that only you would get. That, if God existed, then he saved a folder in you that reads “Highly confidential. Your eyes only”.
You are miserable because you have not let yourself think that it was okay to be so. You cringe in the sight of pain because you don’t ask for yourself to be happy. Because you source your happiness outside yourself.
If in the past – something had happened/you did something/you met someone – or not, it would not have changed your life. Change is inevitable. But the one thing “change” can’t do is alter what time has already seen. That is the beauty and curse of the past. And you need to ultimately understand that.
I find it funny when someone tells me I’m not the center of my universe. Technically, the universe is infinite. It means, from your point of existence, the universe extends infinitely on all sides. Also that it extends *equally* infinite on all your sides. So aren’t you the center of your universe? Yes, you are. But don’t let your ego ruin it for you. Because, if you are the center of your universe, then others are the center of theirs.
I cry again. Because I am happy. I cry a little more because I realize that this is the first time in forever that I have written something passionate when I am not sad. This, I swear, has never happened before. I hope it happens again.
Tomorrow might find me afraid again. Afraid to say out loud that I’m happy. For all that talk, I am imperfect. Asymmetric. But I am me. I am worth my love.
I AM.
And that’s more than anything else I could ask for.
My First Book Club
Summer in Chennai is usually speckled with days ranging from too rainy to the ideal summer-as-i-read-it-in-nursery-books kind of days. What’s unfortunate is those days turn up only when I don’t want them to.
Except for today.
As I made my way to Café Coffee Day – Square in Nungambakkam, my thoughts were fumbling around the edges of a mental box labeled OMG, are you really gonna do this. (sadly, this box is quite full).
Here I was, a notoriously introverted person, on my way to meet people I’ve never met before in my life, without any knowledge of who they were, where they grew up or if they had killed someone before. (In my defense, I had a vague idea of how they texted, and the last part is just me exaggerating. Tee Hee)
As I entered the café, I had a sense of forbearing. If without my glasses I could hardly identify my twin, it was hilarious to even think I could find people who’s faces I didn’t know. So after few awkward minutes, just as I was about to holler out for help, two guys waved me over.
There began a few hours of guiltless indulgence in what had bought us together : Books. (Yes, my very first book club. Yay!!!)
The gathering, Broke Bibliophiles – Chennai Chapter, slowly grew, until there were 8 of us in the end. Almost all of us carried a couple of books which were to serve as anticipated ice breakers. (An apology for bringing whatever was within my reach) Before everyone began talking about the books and their opinions of it, I had considered myself to be a diverse reader.
By all the book gods was I wrong.
Politics, astro-physics, translations, historic documentation, epistolary (the list is quite extensive, I’m going to stop here) were just some of the genres we talked about.
From passionate declarations of favorite books to persuasive arguments about different authors, from I-have-read-it-a-million-times to Where-can-i-get-it, from gentle nods of agreements to shivers of disagreement, I truly believe we paid tribute to whoever came up with the idea of a book club.
Only as the meeting crossed the threshold of three hours (Which felt like minutes) did we realize that we hardly knew the names of those huddled around the books. Thus, we began the end of the meeting – with introductions. Somehow this enhanced the nature and necessity of our little gathering. Once we knew the book preference of everyone there, it was much easier to relate to a fact that every soul touched by books would agree –
– that we are what our reading made us.
Sometimes, you just need to smile.
Deep breaths and a wide smile
Silver steaks in the midnight tide
Every little star pulses
To the tune of your heart
Soar away to the land of dreams
Leave behind all the make believe
Take deep breaths
Smile wide.
Sometimes, that’s all you can do. But, it’s worth that effort, it’s worth the ridicule and you deserve it. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. They say that a smile can hide a million tears. i say, a smile can heal a million tears. Choose wisely.
Because when you smile, you give your dreams another mile.
Because when you smile, you let the world know that you’re a fighter.
Because when you smile, your mother smiles.
Because when you smile, you smile.
An original poem. Picture credit to those it’s due.
#breathelife
Here’s to life. And a small start to big things.
Hi there!
So I’ve been thinking. That it is about time that I do something for myself (ie, something I wont regret later on. Ikr!!).
I’m going to let you know some secrets, lend you some smiles(you ALWAYS have to give me one in return) and maybe make you choke up in tears? (happy ones too!). Now, let’s dive right into it shall we?
Over the years, I’ve been bullied, teased, manipulated, depressed, suicidal (sorry dad), traumatized and beaten down. It took me a while,(ahem. 20 years.) but I’ve finally had my epiphany. Life is effing wonderful. And that all it takes to color it is an ability to hue it with a little quirky perspective.
Stay tuned! And don’t forget!
#Breathelife!!
Breathe Life 